Below you will find a rare photo of the "teen" without the phone stuck to her body and somehow away from the computer! A friend and her daughters came to visit unexpectedly, her baby is soooo cute and cuddly. I had 2 surprise visits that day.
"Life changes" is the title of this post because I it changing quickly and I am not a willing person to change although I live in total chaos most of the time, does that make sense? I am changing, getting older and it is like someone just flicked that switch. Being active is important to me, I walk miles, work-out, even ride bike w/my honey a couple times a week, but that does not let you skip the aging process. The "teen" was giving me tips on dealing w/monthly problems and I nearly walked out of the room sobbing due to the changes life is bringing me. I am going the other direction now and have not wanted to tell others much as then they will somehow know I am getting older too...LOL, I guess. I have secretly, well not so secretly, wanted to keep adding to our family up until..well even now. I don't want school to arrive & the tiniest to go a full day now to 1st grade. I want all the fun times back when we could play and go to playgrounds and take naps & walks together and they would come up w/the greatest things and (sorry for all the "ands") they think you are the bestest momma ever. So many changes. Add to that 2 job possibilities: a cleaning job of apartments when people move out and an office/assistant job. Both part-time. Since I did not hear back about the first I am leaning (falling) towards the other. 3 days/week, one of those chance of a life-time jobs, yet I am having trouble imagining it again after all of these years of no set schedule. It would entail dropping DH off at work, getting kids to school, dog walked, & me to work...then reverse that at the end of the day until we ever get another car. AND wondering if this brain of mine if capable of tasks involved that used to come easier long ago (the cleaning job would be a "no brainer" you see) (boy I make myself sound sooo old) When I get stressed in the slightest I cannot think well at all. Actually this has been inevitable as surviving in this day w/out another income is increasingly harder than before. We have managed just barely for so long and sacrificed so much. Hand-me-downs & yard sales & thrift shops have been a way of life. Yet all this time you gain a great appreciation for ever little thing that comes by and faith gets you through. DH has not always had steady work along the way either since if depends on jobs being there. He does not work at a steady income job, or set hours. I suppose too, I have wanted to keep the option open to keep the littler 2 girls home and maybe home school next year & working outside the home would not allow for that.Well, next week I go again to the one job to go over some things that they do (a broker for Life/health insurance out of his home). I am so a wreck and not gaining the peace I should be looking for. I just want to hold onto life as I have known it for the last 6 or 7 years, but that has been hard worrying over money issues at times and you cannot have things both ways, unless you play the lotto & win (which I don't) or are related to a generous millionaire (which I am not). Now that I have shared my burden with you all, there is another waiting to hear my heart at any time, day or night....time for prayer isn't it?! hugs/carol
10 comments:
Carol, it sounds like you are really struggling with a lot of decisions right now...i will pray for you to find your peace:)
the wall hanging you made for your aunt is beautiful, i love the colors and how you embellished it, i know she just loved it to pieces!!!
((((HUGS)))))I think you need them. I dont' want to say you are preaching to the choir, but you are. I have a lump in my throat after reading your post. I KNOW how you feel. I am 48....I had dinner tonite with a friend and I was telling her I feel 20 still in many ways and in ten years I will be 60!! It is called a mid-life-hormonally unbalanced crisis. You are not alone dear friend. If we were men we would run out and but Porsches right now (like my hubby did), but we're the complicated species so we contemplate....and contemplate some more. We need to just buy the Porsche and be done with it. We are all feeling the financial pinch. If it makes you feel any better: I clean my own house, wash my own car, just started grooming my dogs, recycle bottles, cut out coupons, do my own nails, mow my own lawn.... work out with my hubby and I STILL can't lose the extra 15 pounds. Maybe we don't talk about it...but I know it is hard. Hang in there. Have faith. Don't put so much pressure on yourself to be creative. Don't judge what you make. You make beautiful things. I promise I am not just trying to cheer you up. I know my opinion isn't that important, but I am impressed with your honesty and the fact that you are that in touch with your feelings and can express them....that is what an artist does.
From one artist to another..
Love,
KAREN EILEEN
Carol,
So enjoyed reading your blog ! We all go through stages in our life that are difficult. I will pray that you can have peace and direction !! You have an adorable family , you are so creative and very blessed !!
hi Carol..
honey we all struggle with the thought of aging.. and with being insecure in new situations and with changes.. the thought of the unknown... Sounds like you have a lot going on. YOUre going to right place with your feelings (to God) and you express them SO WELL! ITs also nice to beable to share them with others like you have, just so we can validate them. YOu're going to be fine and your going to keep on keeping on.. being the happy (beautiful inside and out!) mother of a beautiful family!
I hate changes too. and I hate getting older..fatter...grayer (or in my case whiter!) And I worry that I cant retire for 15 more years, and Im afraid that I will never keep my mind and be able to do my job that long!!!
I hope youre feeling better later. YOur artwork for your aunt is wonderful!!! She will adore it. I would imagine that she wont recieve anything nicer than what youve made for her!!
((((HUGS))))
and prayer♥♥
vivian
Carol , all of us have those feelings as time passes by -- At 60 I realize that more than ever -- I love life - new adventures art My family , my church - but most of all GOd --he is my sustainer --
Peace means --being in the midst of turmoil ,and knowing who is in control - as for indecision -- I truly know that -- did ya see just a smidge of my messy craft room -
always doing things on the fly -- It
makes me buy things twice - cause I can't find the first one lol -
I know i will feel more at peace
with myself -to be in control of my environment - So made a plan and been working so hard - -- Just had a quick visit -with my youngest son - who just bought his first truck -- we bought his first car -- Now he is grown and married 2 yrs - serving God in his ministry at church - A little bittersweet -but also rewarding -- THis is what every mom and Dad want, to raise a child
full of love for GOd -also his precious wife too - other son the same and my daughter also . So as children venture into the world -- you can say well done -My prayers are with you . What a sweet person you are -- ALso the gift for your AUNt adorable =not even kidding -- as I tell others -- art -is showing a vision of you -- there is no right or wrong - Have fun - Kathy - GA
thanks for all the wonderful, loving comments. I just luv you guys, what great new friends this blog adventure has given me.
great big hugs to you all, i wish it were in person :)
me
Hi Carol! I am sooo glad you stopped by my blog...your Sassafras & LuLu sounds soooo familiar...I love your blog! I am going to add you to my blogroll.
I know the feeling of feeling life changes, and not liking it one bit. It's been a bit of a whirlwind around hear the past couple years... ugh! But that thing called prayer sure does help! ;) I will add you to my list, and I pray for His peace to comfort and hold you close... {{{HUGS, my dear}}}!!!
Shannon
Came over from Viv's, great pin cushion swap!
Terisa
Carol, I will keep you in my prayers :) I know sometimes it seems lonely in those rough moments but, we are never alone! You have us blogging buddies & the Lord and he makes miracles,happen!
Blessings,
Renee
Are you sure we arent twins (well i would be the shorter much fatter one)i have almost identcal posts in my blog as i miss my boys now they are grown.But i had to laugh at the comment in your next post that finsing ateenager is like wheres waldo,lol my fifteen year old is the same as my other boys i think fresh air and sunlight makes them melt.Your girls are really sweet enjoy them now and hug them tight dont waste time now just enjoy them .I know how you feel about changes i too do not deal with them well.Creativity as well as a joy is also a burden lol when it comes to mess.I sometimes wail oh why couldnt i be normal as i struggle making someone something special.
hugs
Jules
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